Child Reduction.

The other day , when I was on the waterfall hike, Pablo the Guide decided to employ his no-fail technique to drum up new business. Technique operates as so:

1. Find woman
2. Hail her with compliments
3. Sit back and watch how she cannot resist your charms and either                                                                   a. Falls into your arms
                                                                  b. Books at least three more excursions.

I think ´no-fail´ is a poor description.

I will confess something to you - here and now - (shhhhhhh, keep it to yourself):

I am prone to some ever-so-slight exaggeration during the creation of this blog - today is the exception! I am exhorbitantly proud of my new nephew AND I am about to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Pablo was kind enough to inform me (after telling me that he was ready to settle down and have children) that my eyes were like honey, my skin was beautiful and my hair the perfect colour to reflect the rest of the beauty which I possess. And also I may have to put up with Panamanian men saying ´Mami que bueno´ at me because I have a great ass.

After resisting the simultaneous urges to kick like a mule and to decorate his hiking boots with the vomit which I was choking back, I decided to share the experience with the font of all knowledge, the walking encyclopaedia on all things human, Miss Bradders.

´Aha´, says the lady, ´surely if you had honey-coloured eyes your eyes would be yellow, so they would almost glow as if you were a cat or a monster.` This, in turn, reminded her of a pupil in school who asks me (on a daily basis):

´Why are you such a monster?´

Obviously a Eureka moment! A child, a Panamanian man and Bradders have together uncovered the secret of my identity. In the words of Miss B, ´#Finallythepiecesfit.`

All I can say on the subject is that if my eyes were the colour of honey you need to be choosing your condiments more wisely. On the subject of compliments, of course I appreciate a lovely one, well considered, from the heart and fully meant. On the subject of monsterdom, well better be one with honey eyes than shitty eyes, I suppose.

Talking of honey, there are loads of bees here and I´ve been wondering where to get hold of some. The country is fertile and many people farm on Fincas (farms), there is lots of natural produce, vegetables, salad and fruit some I recognise, some I don´t. I have eaten well in Panama. Meals in the house have been accompanied by a side helping of rice. I have had pork and chips, chicken casserole, sausage and vegetables, tortillas and pork - all delicious and all served with rice. Last night we had that well known Panamanian delicacy, Pork Chow Mein (and rice).

The only thing which made me a bit...disappointed...was the day when Tilcia made a traditional bean stew and rice but made something else for me because she didn´t think I´d like the stew; I felt a bit sad about that - it was truly delicious.

Surprisingly (for me anyway) people aren´t really slim in Pamana. They aren´t huge either but there are definitely a reasonable proportion of the population who are curvy/podgy or chunky.  I have discovered that the main way of cooking something is by frying it - we have something fried every meal - and although Tilcea talks about the unhealthy aspects of fried food it`s a staple. I have been thinking about it and am wondering if it is because frying things is a quick way to cook, requiring a fire, oil and pan. It maintains the taste of the food (unlike boiling) and easily kills bacteria. So, before people were fairly affluent (as now) they were poor and when you are poor you do not have the luxury of choice. Plus frying gives you important calories, which you need to work in the fields. As a personal aside their fried bread stuff is delicious!

The Italians, Valentina and Phillipo, were telling me that in (beautiful and underdeveloped) Nicaragua people are mostly obese and everything is fried. They viewed it as a health time-bomb waiting to happen.

POLITICAL ASIDE: The Chinese want to build a canal which cuts through Nicaragua to act as competition against the America controlled Panamanian canal. The canal is under discussion because it would cut through a lake within which are extremely rare inland salt water sharks. To the Italians it seemed an inevitable process.

So maybe my mission (should I choose to accept it) should be to learn Spanish, go to Nicaragua (humming bird heaven, apparently) and spend my time visiting the sights whilst educating people in healthy eating. I could start with the children, now that could make an interesting documentary:

Honey Eyes Shrunk The Kids.